What if the Church Hurts Me?

The church . . . is a hospital in which nobody is entirely healthy, and anyone can relapse at any time. (J. I. Packer, A Quest for Godliness)

Almost all of us will be hurt *in* the church by human weakness and sins. Others need our ministry because we are built up by one another (Ephesians 4:16). We can't let relational offenses sway us away from the Christian community. In fact, it is another reason to stay engaged with a more significant commitment.

On the other hand, some have been hurt *by* the church when ministry leaders in authority intentionally seek to harm someone, or they disregard the consequences of their actions on another person. Spiritual abuse (SA) is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. SA is the misuse of a position of power, leadership, or influence to further the selfish interests of someone other than the individual who needs help. The victim can be a congregant or, often, a staff person. All the definitions of spiritual abuse in the literature involve using power or authority to manipulate and control. The authority is often a leader but may be, for example, from a church board towards a leader. It can also be a system, such as a set of beliefs or a way of doing things that don't allow individual freedom.

A leader can unintentionally hurt congregants, and this is excusable. But leaders who commit spiritual abuse must be held accountable, and, sadly, often are not. It is usually long after the damage is done if they are held responsible. Church governing bodies fail to view their four-fold role in the church: 1) A shepherd to the flock; 2) A faithful, loyal church member; 3) A legal overseer of the ministers and ministries; 4) A member of the governing board in submission to the board at large.

Every church needs a policy and practices for reporting and biblically addressing spiritual abuse. I did not readily find one, but I am searching.

The responses of the victim of spiritual abuse are the following:

1. Pray for God's grace and peace amid your emotional storm.
2. Report the abuse immediately to the governing body.
3. Discern your ongoing membership at the church. It most likely requires a separation of either the victim or the abuser.
4. Commit to love both Christ and His bride. Find a relatively healthy local church to worship God amongst imperfect people and leaders. That particular local church's action does not determine the identity of Christ's bride. Determine to love the church in all her imperfections. Augustine implored, “Let us honor her, for she is the bride of so great a Lord. . . . Great and unheard of is the bridegroom’s gracious generosity; he found her a whore, he made her a virgin” (The Works of Saint Augustine, 1993, p 145).
5. Forgive your abuser if possible. Forgiving them does not require their confession of wrongdoing, and it does not require further interaction with them (2 Tim. 4:14-15).
6. Allow yourself time to heal. It takes six weeks to heal a broken bone. A broken heart takes longer. Remind yourself of the gospel, find a safe community, and don't rush.

Love the church because Christ loves her in all her overwhelming unloveliness. One day the bride of Christ will be pure and perfect and holy. For now, she needs healing. Jesus said, “Those who are healthy do not need a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17).

The church is not perfect, but she is the bride of Christ, and therefore, we can love her. Picture Christ at the wedding altar awaiting his bride, the elect of God. God the Father escorts her down the aisle, but her dress is stained with mustard, and her ruffles are torn. Her hair is messy, her lipstick smeared, and her flowers wilted. As she limps down the aisle with one broken heel, Jesus detects the smell of last night’s alcohol and vomit. Yet, Christ passionately says, “Here is my bride, and she is my beloved. I will receive her to make her holy. I will wash her with the water of the word. She will be my bride without spot or wrinkle” (see Song of Solomon 2:16; Ephesians 5:26–27).

Let the words of Isaiah wash over you with love:

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord to display his splendor (Isa 61:1-3).